I was sexually assaulted - am I defiled and why did God let it happen

Hear the answer to the first question with absolute clarity: no. What was done TO you did not stain you. Sin belongs to the one who chose it - 'the soul that sinneth, it shall die' (Ezekiel 18:20) - and Scripture consistently places the guilt of sexual violence entirely on the attacker, explicitly comparing the victim to someone attacked in a field who bears no guilt at all (Deuteronomy 22:26 - 'there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death').

When Tamar was assaulted, the Bible names her the wronged one and her attacker the fool and criminal (2 Samuel 13) - and God's fury at such violence runs through Scripture (Psalm 11:5). Your purity before God was never located in what someone stole; you are not damaged goods, and any theology that says otherwise is false. Why God allowed it - Scripture does not hand out case-by-case explanations, and beware anyone who does; what it gives is a God who is 'nigh unto them that are of a broken heart' (Psalm 34:18), who saw (Genesis 16:13), who keeps count of every tear (Psalm 56:8), and who will judge what was done with perfect justice (Romans 12:19).

Please do not carry this alone: RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673, free and confidential, 24/7, and a trauma-informed counselor can matter enormously. Telling is not weakness, and it was not your fault.